Friday, August 19, 2011

Your Wish is My Command: The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

Look at those cold, duck eyes.
          You've requested it time and time again, and I've never had the heart to sit down and write it. That is, until now. I promise that this has nothing to do with my recent run in with the total brain fart that is Sucker Punch, and has more to do with my bitterness toward the fact that summer is ending, but let's just say that bad movies everywhere should run for it.

         As usual with my list blogs, I'm going to break this down into three categories. Mind-Numbingly Mediocre, Offensively Bad, and Hilariously Bad. Let's get this over with.

Mind-Numbingly Mediocre:

  • 50 First Dates 
    • Really, this could have been any movie from Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production company. I choose 50 First Dates because I feel like it's the most absurdly mediocre of all of them. Sure, Grown Ups is stale, meandering, weak, and schmaltzy, but at least it doesn't have scenes like the one where Rob Schneider (Fill in the blank) and (Fill in literally any single thing that Rob Schneider does in this movie that wasn't the first thing). There are multiple jokes about a walrus' large penis delivered by pretty much every character, there is a totally thankless Dan Akroyd cameo, there are stupid and out of place steroid jokes, and there are stupidly racist jabs at pretty much every culture. Oh, and the ending is the most absurd cop-out I've seen this side of the O.J. Simpson trial. This movie is formulaic, lazy, boring, and insulting to its demographic. But most of all, it is unbelievably meh. 
  • Gran Torino
    • Yep, I went there. Gran Torino may be Clint Eastwood's final performance on screen. It is obviously meant to be the stuff of legend. And Eastwood picked a noble topic to leave on, the subject of gang violence and race relations in small town America. Kudos, Clint. But did he really have to hire non-professional actors? Did he really have to continue his trend of doing one or two takes before moving on? The acting by every single supporting cast member in this movie is pathetic. The line delivery is lousy, the body language is stale, and the chemistry on screen is non existent. In the scene where (Spoiler?) Eastwood locks Toad in the basement and Toad begs to be let out, the entire theater burst into laughter. This is not the response you want at the dramatic high point of your movie. Also, there's a bizarre scene around the same time where the police force the Priest to leave with them in their cop car in what must be the most awkwardly staged and poorly executed pieces of acting I've ever seen. The ending is schmaltzy and seems to actually do more harm than good, unless that particular gang only had about 8 members--in which case...that gang wasn't very threatening at all. 
  • The Fast and the Furious
    • The film that launched a truly strange franchise (the casts for each film makes for a fun game of bingo) is actually pretty meh. It follows a typical "machismo motorhead" formula and does just enough to keep the audience from falling asleep. The scene where the tech guy races the main villain, and then loses and escapes in his car, goes pretty much unexplained. Why did he race that guy to begin with? Why was he all of a sudden needing to prove himself? There was no lead-in to this character development. Until, of course, he's killed in a drive-by and the audience realizes he was just a poorly-developed plot device. Hmph. All I remember about this movie is the mean, bearded camo wearing guy who arbitrarily hates Paul Walker's character because the script demands a cathartic bond later in the film. They couldn't even explain a little bit why they hate each other? Sheesh. 

  • Honorable Mention:
    •  Tenure: look up this bland Luke Wilson comedy on Netflix watch instantly if you feel the need to sit and stare blankly at a screen for 90 minutes. 

Offensively Bad:
  • Battlefield Earth
    • Do I really have to tell you why? The cinematography is drunk, the plot is ridiculous, the effects are stupid, the ending is silly, and the casting is lame. Barry Pepper? Really? He's the guy you wanted to lead your revolution? How do a bunch of uneducated cavemen learn how to fly the world's most sophisticated jets in less than an hour? Why would a group of aliens place bombs so close to a portal that leads to their planet made of flammable gas? Why would the aliens heavily train one of their prisoners and then give them the ability to talk to their friends in secret? This movie makes no sense. 
  • Howard The Duck
    • There is a scene in Howard the Duck where Lea Thompson tries to get wit' dat. If that's not enough, look up the budget to this movie. Then look at the movie. Words will never describe its idiocy. 
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
    • Headaches, headaches, headaches. This movie is long, bloated, loud, racist, sexist, crude, illogical, and pointless. Why would a robot have testicles? Why would two robots want to emulate stereotypes that haven't even been around for over two decades? Why would my beloved John Turturro accept a paycheck for this movie? He's The Jesus! He can afford to not be in the this. The lack of originality and logical thought put into this film's screenplay is offensive to anybody unlucky enough to be deemed this film's demographic. 
  • Honorable Mention:
    • Rocky V: simply unwatchable. And that's coming from a serious Rocky fan. 

Hilariously Bad:
  • The Wicker Man
  • The Room
    • Another film, another medley of clips. The Room is astoundingly bad. It is also astoundingly brilliant. No other film has made me laugh harder in my life. And that's a fact. The line delivery is awful, the cast is bottom notch, the cinematography is bland, and the plot is...kind of whimsical in its absurdity. The best part is when Tommy is talking to his friend, and out of nowhere, asks him about his sex life. 
  • Batman & Robin
    • Whaaa? Bat Credit Card? Nipples on the bat suit? Ahnold delivering a a wonderful medley of puns, George Clooney trying desperately to appear awesome and failing, and Uma Thurman chewing up the scenery like she's going to find Quentin Tarantino in it? This movie is a spectacular failure in the highest degree. And it is flat out hilarious. 

  • Honorable Mention
    • Plan 9 From Outer Space: Most people know about this one. If you've never seen it, you should definitely check it out. It is a treasure trove of awful. 

What are some of the worst movies you've ever seen? What category does it fall under? Should I have included the Pirates sequels? Let me know the comments section below or on Facebook. 


  1. So I guess you've never seen I Know Who Killed Me? It's exactly like The Parent Trap... but with more torture. Oh and Lindsay Lohan is a stripper!

  2. manos, hands of fate...hands, hands of fate.

    i really enjoyed this one. howard the duck isnt even fun awful.

  3. I agree, Transformers 2 and Sucker Punch are awful. I'd like to add Did you hear about the Morgans, but I guess that's no surprise. There are probably many others but I've pushed them into some deep dark place in my mind and can't think of them right now.

  4. Howard the Duck is goofy and silly sure, but it's actually a fairly decent film.